I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
