i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
should my penis look like a turkey
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remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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