I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
