I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
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You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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