I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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