I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
