Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
