i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
