I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I deserve to be covered in dicks
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS