If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.