I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
