time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
