I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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