Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
