I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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