I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
