I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
