After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
