He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
