Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
