dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
