i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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