We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
