Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
