please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
