These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
