How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
