you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
