The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
