i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
