I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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