No stitches, just platelets and will power
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
