I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
