The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
