Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
