Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
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I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize