oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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