i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
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He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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