i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
