I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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