I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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