Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
