from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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