I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
