If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I look better un-naked...
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You are a genius and a whore.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
