Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
