I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
