Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
