im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
