wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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