it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
