woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
