I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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