I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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