I can text with my tongue
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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