I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
