I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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